This is pathetic. Am I really about to write a post fueled by my own immature self-pity? Am I really that ego-centric; that selfish? Apparently I am as this has become a broken record in my thoughts as of late:
Actually, this might be te most therapeutic mantra to recite to myself, as it incorporates a touch of humor into my self-loathing and loneliness.
(WARNING (tangent to follow)
It’s interesting that I hesitate every day to write a new post. I have major comparison/perfectionist tendencies that really get in the way of the cathartic process that I hoped this blog would be for me. The backspace key is likely to be the first thing to bust on this new little netbook I got. Blogging intimidates me because I just can’t live up to y’all and your eloquence, humor and style. One day…
(tangent hopefully over)
But back to my self pity and lonliness, because, well, that is the intended theme of this post as the title hinted. As of now, no one that I know personally is aware of this blog, and Im into keeping it that way for a lil’ while, anyway. So basically, I’m too lame to reach out to those who are closest to me (and I use that term very loosely as Im not all that close to anyone), so Im choosing to seek help from the world wide web-something I NEVER EVER imagined I would partake in. So ignore my jibberish if you need to, but if you do care to listen to my nonsensical ramblings, I would be so grateful to get some feedback/support. Asking for support is also a challenge I never thought I’d be able to face, but, here I am, on my knees (okay,I lie. im in bed and the wood floors kind of hurt the joints) but you get the gist.
So here’s my deal. There’s a lot of s#@* going on in the world today, and I am so aware of this. Which makes me feel even guiltier for asking for support for my lame shenanigans. Sure I’ve got the credit bureau calling me every day for money regarding last years hospital stay and IP… sure my family is in complete shambles and my parents still despise one another after 18 years of divorce and 12 years of marriage… sure my health still kind of sucks and celiac is kicking my arse… sure im living 4052km from my crazy best friend of a bro…the aforementioned facts don’t mean a whole lot to me in the big scheme of things. But what I can’t help but admit to, is that there are two very lame issues that seem to overwhelm my every breath. The culprits: my ED and agorophobia. They are two bloody f-ing debhilitating problems and despite years and years of therapy and treatment, they wont leave me alone. Truthfully, they’ve been bigger pains in the arses before, however, their presence remain in my every thought, panic and worry. Where have they left me? Straight up lonely.
Whats most ironic/frustrating aboutthis situation Im in, is that despite not letting myself go out (essentially getting what Im asking for) it’s exactly OPPOSITE of what I want. I want to feel loved, accepted, appreciated. I want to be kissed, hugged, held. I want to be Kerry Bradshaw and Aiden… and Id even be happy with Big. But the very thing I wantmost, is that which I am most afraid of. I want to drink fine wine with a boy or giggle over a chick flick with some girlfriends. I want to be Kerry Bradshaw and kiss Aiden on a NYC stoop, heck id even dig a peck from Mr. Big. I want to doll myself up and hit up a club/show or two and get my groove on in some heels, a mini and a heavily salted, non-blended petron mexican margharita in hand with an umbrella should it rain on one strand of hair for aesthetic purposes and bevy bling. I wanto chow glorious eats from new restos and say FU to ED and his pal Agorophobia. Help?
rant over… nighty night