So Ronery…

This is pathetic.  Am I really about to write a post fueled by my own immature self-pity?  Am I really that ego-centric; that selfish?  Apparently I am as this has become a broken record in my thoughts as of late:

Actually, this might be te most therapeutic mantra to recite to myself, as it incorporates a touch of humor into my self-loathing and loneliness. 

(WARNING (tangent to follow)

It’s interesting that I hesitate every day to write a new post.  I have major comparison/perfectionist tendencies that really get in the way of the cathartic process that I hoped this blog would be for me.  The backspace key is likely to be the first thing to bust on this new little netbook I got.  Blogging intimidates me because I just can’t live up to y’all and your eloquence, humor and style.  One day…

(tangent hopefully over)

But back to my self pity and lonliness, because, well, that is the intended theme of this post as the title hinted.  As of now, no one that I know personally is aware of this blog, and Im into keeping it that way for a lil’ while, anyway.  So basically, I’m too lame to reach out to those who are closest to me (and I use that term very loosely as Im not all that close to anyone), so Im choosing to seek help from the world wide web-something I NEVER EVER imagined I would partake in.  So ignore my jibberish if you need to, but if you do care to listen to my nonsensical ramblings, I would be so grateful to get some feedback/support.  Asking for support is also a challenge I never thought I’d be able to face, but, here I am, on my knees (okay,I lie.  im in bed and the wood floors kind of hurt the joints) but you get the gist.

So here’s my deal.  There’s a lot of s#@* going on in the world today, and I am so aware of this.  Which makes me feel even guiltier for asking for support for my lame shenanigans.   Sure I’ve got the credit bureau calling me every day for money regarding last years hospital stay and IP… sure my family is in complete shambles and my parents still despise one another after 18 years of divorce and 12 years of marriage… sure my health still kind of sucks and celiac is kicking my arse… sure im living 4052km from my crazy best friend of a bro…the aforementioned facts don’t mean a whole lot to me in the big scheme of things.  But what I can’t help but admit to, is that there are two very lame issues that seem to overwhelm my every breath.  The culprits: my ED and agorophobia.    They are two bloody f-ing debhilitating problems and despite years and years of therapy and treatment, they wont leave me alone.  Truthfully, they’ve been bigger pains in the arses before, however, their presence remain in my every thought, panic and worry.  Where have they left me?  Straight up lonely. 

Whats most ironic/frustrating aboutthis situation Im in, is that despite not letting myself go out (essentially getting what Im asking for) it’s exactly OPPOSITE of what I want.  I want to feel loved, accepted, appreciated.  I want to be kissed, hugged, held.  I want to be Kerry Bradshaw and Aiden… and Id even be happy with Big.  But the very thing I wantmost, is that which I am most afraid of.  I want to drink fine wine with a boy or giggle over a chick flick with some girlfriends.  I want to be Kerry Bradshaw and kiss Aiden on a NYC stoop, heck id even dig a peck from Mr. Big.  I want to doll myself up and hit up a club/show or two and get my groove on in some heels, a mini and a heavily salted, non-blended petron mexican margharita in hand with an umbrella should it rain on one strand of hair for aesthetic purposes and bevy bling.  I wanto chow glorious eats from new restos and say FU to ED and his pal Agorophobia.  Help?

rant over… nighty night

MA

4 Comments

  1. Tolana said,

    January 28, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Wow, I think, if I had a blog, this post would have been written by me. I would be the one afraid to tell anyone I know about it. I would be the one with comparison issues. I just happened upon your blog today (I found the link in the comments of another) and I think you are doing just fine with this blogging thing.

    I don’t exactly suffer from agoraphobia , but I go weeks without leaving the house because of self esteem issues. And I don’t have celiac but last summer I found out I am gluten intolerant. I can relate. Hang in there, girl!

    • mary ann said,

      January 29, 2010 at 6:52 pm

      wow Tolana… your comment couldnt have come at a better time. While I hate that you have similar battles, it’s somewhat of a comfort knowing that I’m not the only one to be living this struggle. Thanks for your support and if you ever need to vent, you can e-mail me anytime.
      MA

  2. January 29, 2010 at 11:28 am

    First of all – don’t ever feel like your blogging won’t live up to the blogs around you. Each one is a real and honest form of self-expression and they truly can’t be compared against one other… I know I get really hard on myself for never having the ‘perfect’ words to describe the way I am feeling, but I always end up getting really positive feedback.

    As for the advice, I can totally relate. You have to realize that wanting and doing are too very different things; Unless you get pro-active and start facing your fears, you will forever be bound with the chains of desire. That might sound harsh, but it is true. I struggle every single day with challenging myself, and in all honesty, it rarely happens. But deep down I know that the only reason I am where I am today is because of the fears that I have faced.

    You CAN do this – you CAN eat at restaurants, you CAN go out and socialize, you can be your own supercharged version of Carey Bradshaw.. it’s just a matter of stepping out into the world and giving it your all :)

    xox
    Tat

  3. ginamastrog said,

    February 5, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Hey girl, I know this post is from a while ago, but I’m just coming across it and wanted to definitely comment!
    I totally understand what you’re going through. I went for about a half a year without leaving my house for really anything, because of my ED. I can completely understand your reasoning, and on some level I know you’re totally justified. I mean, so someone doesn’t want to wear their skimpiest bikini until they’re comfortable with their body – it’s the same principle. Those of us who are perfectionists are often those that struggle with ED leading to agoraphobia – you just don’t want anyone to see you at anything but what you think is your best.
    While I can relate, I just want to tell you – YOU CAN DO IT, YOU CAN GO OUT. Every single person out there does not feel their best every day. Heck, most of us don’t even feel 20% great about ourselves! But it’s a fake it till you make it kind of attitude. I missed SO MUCH by relinquishing myself from going out and having a good time with my friends and family. They’re your friends and family for a reason – they’ll love you no matter what you look like, and I know you look gorgeous even on your worst day! I missed so much time, and I regret every single day the time that I missed back then. Am I comfortable with myself now? No, not in the slightest. But I do sooo much more, and pursue so much more, and you know what? I am exponentially happier because of it.
    We’re all works in progress, and you are one fabulous work! Girl, you are AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL and you just need to get out there and let everyone see that too, even though it feels like that is an impossible thing to do. My Mom told me something when I was going through this, “Get up, dress up, show up.” I say this to myself pretty much every single day. You’ve gotta get up, put on what makes you feel the best, and show up to all of the things your committed to doing or want to pursue!
    You’ve got it in you, if you ever need to talk shoot me an e-mail, I’m here for you as is the rest of the bloggy world!


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